Have you ever loved someone so much but cant be with them? Sucks doesn’t it? What am I talking about? I guess I should probably explain myself. My name is , and for the past year I’ve been in love with my friends’ boyfriend. Actually I have to correct that, I always had a soft spot for him, but when I met him in person all that changed, I fell for him badly. Sound confusing? Well imagine how I feel!

Flashback-1 year ago

How did I ever get dragged into this? I thought, as I stood in the pub watching my friend chat up every man she could get her hands on. She had convinced me to come out for a drink, and as it was her birthday I couldn’t say no. I should have known better though, the same thing happens every time. We go out, she meets a man, then leaves me to find my own way home. was the type of girl that was pretty and she knew it. Because of this she also knew how to get what she wanted. Men loved her, they only ever saw the surface, they couldn’t see the hidden truth, that she was only using them to benefit herself. I sighed to myself as I watched her, were all men the same? I was the complete opposite of , although I was pretty, I was shy. I would never dream of throwing myself at anyone like she did and maybe I was asking too much here, but I was still waiting, in hope that someone would come along who would be able to see past the surface, recognise me for being me. But as they say, nice girls always finish last….
I was just about to leave that night when it happened. As I stood there, watching flirt with any man with a pulse, I turned around and there he was, laughing with his friends just a few feet away. You couldn’t mistake those eyes or that cheeky grin. I nearly dropped my drink. . I’d seen him at enough concerts in my lifetime. This guy was amazingly attractive, I just stood and watched him for a few minutes, in awe. I tried to calm myself and built up the courage to go over and say hello. But it was too late, my heart sank as I watched walk over…

End of flashback

So that’s how it started. I knew the second walked over to him I didn’t stand a chance. I didn’t even bother to go over to him, just left the club alone and made my way home with a heavy heart, knowing the inevitable would happen. And it did. For weeks I made excuses not to go out, the thought of seeing the two of them together was too much. Then finally I met them both at a party. held tight onto ’s hand, I felt sick, it was like she was parading him round, showing him off. I was determined not to show that I was bothered so I had a few drinks with my friends and tried to enjoy the night, it wasn’t long until they came over. “ this is , a friend from school” they way she said it almost made me think she was talking down to me. Instead of being annoyed I did the opposite. Smiling sweetly at him my heart leapt as his deep eyes returned the smile. I felt myself blush slightly and lowered my gaze, when I looked back up he was still looking at me. didn’t look pleased.

The next time I met him I was on a night out from work, the works Christmas do, which every year was fancy dress. This year was no exception. So as I was standing there in my black and white bunny outfit, minding my own business (well, as much as I could dressed in that attire!) I heard a voice beside me “I hope you don’t dress like this all the time”. I knew straight away it was him, my breath caught in my throat as I turned around and saw him, smiling cheekily “ right?” Again I felt my cheeks burn, it happened a lot around him. “Right, and no, I only wear it on very special occasions…” I felt myself smile slightly then stopped. Good god what was that? I was flirting! I must have had too much to drink! “Not with tonight? I’m surprised she let you out alone” I said, taking a long sip of my drink. I watched as he exhaled slowly, and felt almost sorry for him. “Nice to meet you ” he said, and I watched him walk off and join his friends. Shit. I shouldn’t have opened my mouth. But why did he act so touchy? It was a few hours later when I met him again at the bar “listen sorry about before, I didn’t mean to upset you.” His eyes looked like they had lost part of their usual spark. “Don’t worry about it, I shouldn’t have acted like that, drink?” He asked “I probably shouldn’t....” I said, trying hard not to stare at him. I’d noticed his shirt was open slightly, revealing chest hair. All I could think of was ripping the shirt from him and running my hands over his chest. “Ah go on, I hear you bunny types are quite playful.” I lifted my head so fast from his chest to meet his face that I was sure I could have had whiplash. I felt myself smile and hold his gaze a little longer than necessary as I nodded “another drink sounds good, thank you .” As he handed me the drink his fingers brushed slightly against mine and electricity shot straight up my arm. Just being in his presence excited me. Before I knew it an hour had past and the club was closing. We had been talking all this time, I couldn’t believe it. seemed to look just as surprised at the time as me “I guess I better be going..” I said, looking round for my work friends. I turned back round and felt ’s arm wrap loosely around my waist as he leaned in and kissed me softly on the cheek. “Goodnight ” I was so taken aback all I was able to do was nod and smile weakly before walking off. At home that night, after de-bunnying, I ran myself a hot bath and let my thoughts go back to the past few hours. It seemed so surreal, here was this man, this perfect, sexy man that I’d been in love with for so long now, yet I couldn’t have him. It was always the way! When something is just in reaching distance but you know you cant have it. I could feel a lump in my throat and willed myself not to cry, I was stronger than that, at least that what I was telling myself. What’s meant to happen is meant to happen right? If I was meant to have it would happen, if not it wouldn’t. It always sounded so philosophical when you said it, yet deep down you knew it was just a load of crap! If it’s not meant to happen then, well, you sit on the sofa with a box of chocolates watching ‘Friends’ and sulk, you spend a day in your pyjamas, telling yourself how much you hate men, then just as you’re gearing up to give up completely and become a nun he comes into your life, the tall, handsome stranger. (Well that’s my philosophy anyway, I think it’s better than the first one!) Still despite all that, I slept very bad that night, tossing and turning, thinking only of intense eyes..

Christmas came and went in a blur of tinsel and mulled wine. Towards the end of January after spending most of the month either working or sat in front of the fire I got dressed up as it was my friends’ birthday and we hit the town. We started off in a local pub then headed to a nightclub. Half way through the night as I headed towards the toilets I was met by familiar eyes. “.” My whole body tingled as he smiled at me. “, hey” I returned his smile. “I was just on my way…” I stopped, almost frozen to the spot. looked in the direction I was looking and I watched as his eyes flashed with confusion then anger. We both just stood there, in silence too shocked to do anything, watching. . Kissing another man. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing! I was aware of the fact that at that moment I probably looked like a goldfish, my eyes glued to the scene in front of me and my mouth wide open out of sheer shock. It was too much to take in. She had the perfect man and here she was with another. I looked at . His face was now expressionless. “I need to get out of here..” I watched as he ran his fingers through his hair. “Ok”. He didn’t move. “Come with me” I just nodded in agreement. I didn’t know what I was doing! I just followed him out of the club into the cool night air. We walked fast, until we reached a quiet pub. held open the door and I entered. The pub was filled with locals and I felt a little out of place. Looking down at the dress I had on I looked up at . He knew what I was thinking and took off his leather jacket, wrapping it around me “here, you’ll fit in a bit better”. I don’t know where he got that from, I’d be quite scared if everyone in the pub was wearing a dress and leather jacket! Still I felt it best not to question it. “Two triple vodkas and coke” shouted to the barman. Oh god, I was going to have to help him drown his sorrows. What if I had to carry him home? I didn’t even know where he lived, what if he was sick on me! I didn’t like sick, it was really hard to get out of… “are you listening?” I looked at him. Oops. “No” I thought it better to be honest. I followed him and we sat in a quiet booth in the corner. I sipped my drink, feeling the alcohol warm me instantly. didn’t say anything, I watched him running his thumb along the edge of the glass before taking a long drink. “I should have ended it before it got to that” said, putting his glass down he looked at me. “She never deserved you” it was my turn to take a large gulp. I didn’t want to sound bitter or jealous, I would have hated that. But it was true, that’s how I felt. I felt like a right eejit then and began to fidget, avoiding ’s gaze. “You’re right”. I was right? Thank god for that! For the rest of the evening we talked about anything but relationships. The drinks flowed freely and it was only after the barman begged us to leave that we realised we were the last in the pub. The drinks had worked because we were finding everything funny. The barman had to direct us to the door. “Feckin popstar!” He muttered closing the door, glad to see the back of us no doubt! “Did you hear that!” I mumbled, “he called me a popstar!” I laughed. “I think he meant me!” said, trying not to stand on the cracks in the pavement. “Oh”. I linked arms with him (this took two attempts) “but I can sing! I’m a good singer!” And with that we started singing what could have possibly been the worst rendition of ‘Danny Boy’ anyone has ever heard.

I woke up fully clothed, including ’s leather jacket, in a bed I didn’t know. I sat up and immediately regretted it. My whole body ached. I remembered the night before and groaned slightly. There was a knock on the door and in walked , hair stuck up on one side and flat to his head on the other. I wanted to laugh but realised that I probably looked far worse. I managed to sit up and he came and sat beside me on the bed, handing me a glass of water and some pain killers. “I swear I’m never drinking again.” I said, my voice croaky, making me sound a little like the barman the night before! “I don’t feel much better” said. “Fried breakfast it is then” I laughed as looked at me as if I was insane. “Are you kidding?!” A very light shake of my head told him I wasn’t. It felt weird, yet not, if that makes any sense at all. Here I was with , the man I’d been madly in love with for as long as I could remember, in his house, hungover to hell, yet it felt strangely normal. Maybe it was because of the night before, we’d both shared it. And by that I didn’t mean the kebab we got at 3am from Abrakebabra! “Thanks for staying with me last night, I know I probably didn’t go about it the right way but it worked at the time” said, taking a sip of water. I groaned then “oh god I was singing wasn’t I? You’re a bad influence!” laughed, “yeah three people shouted out of their bedroom windows and told us to be quiet that we sounded like strangled cats!” I laughed with him “Ha! Telling a member of Westlife he sounded like a strangled cat! If only they would have known it was you!” “I think they were referring to you ” I tried to look offended for a few seconds but it didn’t work “yeah you’re probably right!” With that we both set about laughing again. After pain killers and water I tentatively made my way to the kitchen and set about making myself and a miracle cure breakfast. Within two hours we were both perfect. “See! Told you it works!”

arrived on my doorstep that evening, calling every name under the sun because he’d finished with her. “Just out of the blue!..” went on. I had to bite my tongue. Nobody needed friends like that who would lie and cheat, as she walked out of my house that evening, I knew I wouldn’t see her again.

February came and went, I didn’t hear anything from , although to be honest I didn’t expect to. Valentine’s day was just another day, I didn’t feel like going out so stayed at home and watched Bridget Jones Diary. See, she got her tall, handsome man, my philosophy did work sometimes! Although I didn’t plan on running out into the street in my knickers like Bridget! Maybe that’s where I was going wrong!…

Work was very busy that month and by the end of it I booked a week off to relax. I decided to go shopping, spending all day looking round the shops, buying lots of nice clothes. That night I called my friends up and we went for a drink. I was in great spirits knowing I had a whole week off from work and laughed and joked in the pub, dancing and singing along to the songs on the jukebox. I’d been there over an hour before I even noticed . Sat in one of the booths with a few lads. I immediately hid. I mean, what else was I to do? I sat there quietly and nodded along as my friends spoke, not listening to a word they were saying. How long had he been here for? Surely he must have noticed me I’d been dancing in the middle of the pub! He mustn’t want to say hello. I drank my drink quickly and made my excuses and left, my good mood suddenly dampened. Outside the pub I pulled my coat tight around me and started walking towards the taxi rank. “!” I didn’t know what to do. I knew it was him straight away, and part of me wanted to ignore him and carry on walking. He hadn’t said hello in the pub, so why now? As much as I tried to play it cool I couldn’t, and found myself turning round to face him. He was running up the road to catch up with me and I couldn’t help but smile slightly. He reached me, out of breath “you’d never make the Olympics if you can’t even run half the length of Gratton street!” It broke the ice and we both smiled at each other then. “Where you off?” I nodded my head in the direction of the taxi rank. I suddenly didn’t want to go home. Even though the cold weather was turning my feet numb I would have risked hypothermia just to spend a little longer with . “You’re going home already? Fancy grabbing something to eat?” I looked at him “with who?” Stupid question, him obviously! The cold must have been affecting my common sense too! “Me, come on.” He held out his hand and for a few seconds I just stared at it, then gave in as I felt his big strong hand wrap around mine, my whole body warmed instantly. I had butterflies in my stomach as we walked down the main street, letting guide me until we reached a dimly lit Italian restaurant with a lovely smell escaping from it. Stepping inside I took off my coat and noticed look me up and down. My stomach was having a little party of its own and I was worried if I’d be able to eat anything at all! He held out his arms to take my coat and I smiled warmly at him as he placed it on a coatstand at the door. The waiter directed us to a quiet table in the corner and we sat. It was quite small and I could feel my knees softly brush’s legs as I pulled my chair in. I let myself look at him over my menu, he was just stunning. Wearing a dark pair of jeans and a white shirt he looked fantastic, he didn’t even have to try to look good. He looked like he hadn’t shaved today which gave his face a rugged quality to it which I just found irresistible. We placed our orders and the waiter filled our glasses with wine “no vodka tonight” I said. shook his head “definitely no vodka tonight!” We looked up and met each others gaze, holding it for a few seconds. “As much as I’m sure the whole of the town loved my singing last time, I don’t think they’ll be having a repeat performance!” laughed and looked at me as I started to go red. It wasn’t until half way through the meal that was mentioned “do you still see her?” asked, to which I pulled a face and shook my head “I don’t want to know anyone who cheats and lies, do you still see her?” I watched shake his head too “I haven’t seen her since the day I finished it, and I don’t plan to either.” Then that was it, we went back to talking about anything and everything, enjoying the lovely food and wine, laughing and joking. We didn’t get drunk this time. didn’t mind if he was walking on the cracks in the pavement or not and I just took it all in this time, enjoying every second of his company. Again he took my hand in his, as if that was the normal thing to do. Walking along the streets, with alongside me I felt like the whole world had stopped still and it was just us. We reached my house and I stopped at the gate. Nothing was said between us, yet we both knew something was happening. I felt his hand release mine from his steady grip, and sighed slightly, knowing the night was coming to an end. That is until I felt his hands softly cup my face. I closed my eyes, taking in the way he felt against my skin, his warm hands against my cold cheeks. His fingers ran lightly through my hair at the back of my neck and I opened my eyes, just in time to see him close his as he leant in to me and kissed me softly. His lips felt cold against mine and I gasped, opening my mouth slightly. I felt his warm tongue softly play with mine and lost all sense of everything. I felt like I was floating. Wrapping my arms around his neck I pulled him closer to me, running my fingers through his thick hair. I heard him moan slightly and my whole body shuddered with the realisation of what was actually happening. Kissing him with all the passion that had been building up inside me for far too long, feeling him kiss me back with that same passion just set my whole body alight. I pulled away from him slowly and held his gaze. His eyes were dark and intense, burning into mine, crinkling slightly at the edges as he smiled softly at me. He still held me close to him, I could feel his hands wrapped tightly around the bottom of my back. The look in his eyes then told me all I needed to know, this was the start of something great…


THE END



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